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Jesus Christ
Jesus Chris† of Nazare†h', or maybe Jesus "Hussein" Chris†, (Without an original birth certificate we may never know), (Capricorn) was the son of Mary and Joseph or perhaps he was a mythological figure. Many believe Christians are deluded and their views aren't tolerated. Contrary to popular belief, both liberals and conservatives can be Christian, it just depends on whether you respect what Jesus said, or what a bunch of rightwing fruitcakes have extracted from the rest of the Bible. This however, is argued to be untrue by fear-mongers and haters of love. However, he could make a mean fish supper. Like many modern celebrities Jesus is mainly famous because of who his dad was. Jesus is of course also famous for rising from the dead and becoming a Zombie, see Zombie Jesus Jesus was Black. Seriously Jesus was a dark skinned Jew and as dark as the Arabs in that region are today. Many nice white Christians look down on people with that skin color. They wouldn't want anyone as dark as Jesus or Obama in their churches. Not all Christians are bad that way. Liberal Perspective on who Jesus really was Jesus is a Liberal Hippie socialist who lived on the Earth from about 4 BCE to about 37 CE. He was conceived out of wedlock and was born in either Bethlehem or Nazareth to a liberal Feminist Woman named Mary, the daughter of St. Anne, through Immaculate Conception and her liberal, very forgiving and loving husband Joseph. Jesus had long hair, wore sandals, advocated peace and love, said "blessed are the peacemakers", and its "easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a Rich Man to enter the gates of Heaven", and meant it, and believed he could cure illnesses, hence proving the fact that he may have been the first hippie ever. This could have happened through the high amount of weed/opium/narcotics Jesus and his followers may have taken in their good times. He travelled much around the Middle-east during his life. He gained many followers, taught about kindness and goodness, and claimed to be the Son of God and stuck to his word. Jesus never criticised Gays. Roman conservatives who hated his liberal ideas crucified him, but he was brought back to life using Science. Overall he was a pretty cool guy (he walked on Water, wasn't afraid of anything, was the kind of guy you could count on to bring drinks to the party, and was much nicer than his dad) but his reputation has been tarnished by his horrible fan club. Modern day right-wing conservative "christians" have much more in common with those who advocated for his death than they do with Liberal Christians, who actually follow his religious teachings. The sad thing about this article, is that the historical Jesus really was liberal in many of his beliefs and practices, but the article above rips him out of his first-century Jewish context and turns him into the front man for modern liberal beliefs (hopefully just for satire). The sadder thing is that a proper analysis of how he was liberal (insofar as he actually was) within his own context would probably help people understand the historical limitations surrounding their own views, and how people further up the timeline will probably look back on many of current liberal beliefs in frustration and consternation. If any one on this site has any interest in doing that, I suggest listening to this video for starters, and then perhaps reading through the book series written by the lecturer. Of all the work of I've heard on the historical Jesus so far, Meier's has certianly been one of the most thorough and therefore enlightening. (This was originally by Toph's Fanboy in a post that has now been deleted. I think the historical Jesus is speculative.) Jesus on neoliberal crony Capitalism When Jesus went to the temple in Jerusalem, he found it full of merchants and Money changers who'd been giving kickbacks to the local politicians campaign funds and SuperPacs for preferential treatment. The merchants were charging extortionate prices, and the money changers were offering easy credit, and payday loans at Usurious prices. Even the patience of Jesus was sorely tried by this situation, so he whipped those greedy buggers, and shamed the politicians. Jesus on Capitalism There are some Capitalists who believe Jesus was an advocate of Capitalism. The usual argument is that the parable of the talents, though not really about Capitalism, does mention investing money with the money lenders, so implying an acceptance of Capitalism. The problem with this argument is that the capitalism which Jesus was referring to was likely much different from Capitalism as it's practiced today. If Jesus was talking about Jewish banking of that time, it's likely that he was talking about something closer to Joint-venture Capitalism where risks and rewards were shared, not capitalism where the borrower assumed all the risks and paid interest on the investment. Conservative Perspective and distortions on who Jesus was According to conservatives, Jesus was a conservative who lived from December 25th 1 BC to Easter AD 33. He was born from the Virgin Mary in a wooden manger, surrounded by three dudes who weren't even kings, and a bunch of farm animals. After being born, he grew a beard and killed all the godless Arabs in Israel, and anyone else you wouldn't want anywhere near you before you start loving thy neighbours. After proclaiming himself the son of God, the Romans attempted to assassinate him, but being a conservative he was able to kill them all because of his right to bear weapons. Conservatives are only divided as to whether when he said blessed are the peacemakers he was talking about Fireballs or Firearms. He then killed all abortion doctors, wrote the bible (In English), threatened everybody in the world to call his daddy if they didn't take it literally, and proceeded to go to heaven where he continued to look after Former President Bush. All good Christians are conservative like Jesus was. Also, he was a pure-bred anglo-saxon, not a Middle Easterner, and he hated virtually all blacks, Jews, Arabs, Asians, and anyone else who wasn't a [[WASP|WASP ('W'hite 'A'nglo-'S'''axon '''P'rotestant)]] whose true followers are conservative WASPs who live in America, which is blessed by God. Jesus was a staunch advocate of Anarchic Capitalism. See the Parable of the talents. Jesus was a staunch defender of Social inequity and injustice: "You will always have the poor with you" Jesus was the son of God, was also God, God was Jesus, and was the Word. Word - are you confused yet? You should be. Romans killed Jesus Well one thing the Romans did for us was they crucified Jesus. Christians always believed that Pontius Pilate condemned Jesus and Roman soldiers crucified him. Can we be sure of that? We can’t. We can be sure of one thing. The Jews didn’t crucify Jesus. Romans crucified people, Jews didn’t. When Jews wanted to kill people in a cruel way they stoned people to death [1]http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/says_about/stoning.html. Why are the Jews blamed for the Crucifixion? Because bigoted ass-holes blame the Jews for absolutely EVERYTHING that goes wrong, past or present. The dominant group decides whom to punish. If Christianity had remained a Jewish sect we would have a different story and any blood guilt would be on the Romans. 'Christ Killers': The Hidden Agenda One thing the Romans did for us was they crucified Jesus probably and gave Anti-Semites an excuse to get Jews for the next 2,000 years. Miracles * Mary convinced Joseph that it was the holy spirit that impregnated her. * Proved the pagan materialist Archimedes wrong by walking on water. And he did not do it on TV unlike the fraud Criss Angels. http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/mt/14.html#25 * Turned water to wine by converting the water molecules to ethanol molecules. He somehow magically introduced the carbon atoms not present in water to it. * Spent forty days without food or water beating the current Guinness World Record. * Healing a dumb man by kicking out the evil spirit that caused it. http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/mk/9.html#17 * Drowned 2000 pigs. http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/mk/5.html#12 * Heal blind man by spitting on his eyes. [ http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/mk/8.html#23 ] * Was able to see the whole world from top of a mountain proving that earth is flat. http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/mt/4.html#8 This also tried to prove that the 8 trillions spent in the last 100 years for Nasa was useless and could have been spent in war or to spread hate like conservatives do. Books *The Dad Delusion ISBN 77713666 See Also *His Dad *[[The Genealogy of Jesus|His other Dad]] *New Testament *Robert Powell *Mary Magdalene *One user's view about the Historical Jesus Category:Christianity Category:Christian Socialists Category:Liberals Category:Progressivism Category:Religion Category:Socialists Category:People Category:Fiction Category:What have the Romans done for us? Category:Things God didn't do Category:Deities